Where ever you will go
by kajtw
Summary: How do you hang on to the one you love if she doesnt want to hang on to you.
1. Chapter 1

**_Ive been hanging on to this story for a while and finally decided to put it out there._**

**_I want to give a huge thank you to DJMeep for reading over this._**

**_Let me know if I should continue._**

**_I own nothing._**

_Maura once asked me, "How can you love someone, and not be able to be with them?" It's my turn to ask that question, but I know I never will. Maura seems happy with the way we have things set up. She's not one to change._  
_ We have a secret, Maura and I. I thought Maura was secretive about Ian, this is much bigger. Maura wanted it this way, she's afraid of what her parents will think, of what my family, and friends will think. _

_Honestly I don't care. I want the whole world to know that I am married to Maura Isles, no, Maura Rizzoli. Legally that's her name now, has been for six months now. Six months actually... today. _

_I would have loved to have done something special, but then that would have broken the rules. Maura made these rules. I remember when she brought the rule thing up, I thought she was joking, turns out she wasn't. The very next day she came over, and started out on these rules; one: never spend too much time with each other; two: only two nights a week at each other's places; and most importantly never tell anyone. When she told me these rules, I stood in the middle of my kitchen with my mouth hanging open, and the only thing running through my mind at that moment was my mother's voice "Shut your mouth, Janie, before you swallow a fly." I did just that. I wanted to protest these rules, but I didn't, I left my mouth shut. It's not that I don't mind doing this, because I don't. If it makes Maura happy, then I'm happy. I just wish we could be open with everyone._  
These thoughts run through my head while I'm sitting on my couch nursing my second beer for the night. My cell phone is on the coffee table; I reach out and grab it. I find Maura's number, and start a text.  
_I wish I was there with you, I love you._  
My finger hovers over the send button. I close my phone, without sending the message. I lean my head onto the couch, and close my eyes._ Why can't this be easy? _I open my eyes again."No one ever said love was easy," I said aloud.

I picked myself off the couch, put my shoes back on, grabbed my keys and cell phone, and left. _Maura may get mad that I showed up, but she doesn't have to know I came to see her, I'll just say I'm there to see my mother. _I pull up to her house, and instantly feel like I'm home. _My apartment is not like it used to be. Home is where the heart is and this is where my heart is ._I go around back hoping my mother is in the main house. I knocked on Maura's guest house. No answer. As I made my way to Maura's back door, I was smiling to myself the whole time. I knocked, and it only took a few seconds for the door to open, and my wife to appear. She looked surprised and a little pissed.

"Jane?" she said.

"Maura." I breathe while grabbing her by the waist, knowing that my mother was too busy with the dishes to pay us any attention, to get close to her if only for a minute, and then moved her out of my way. so I could get in. A look of surprise crossed her face when my hands made contact. I knew my mother wasn't watching, so I had to touch her, if only for a second.

I continued on into the house, while Maura stood at the back door longer than usual. That stupid smile was back on my face when I entered the kitchen. I grabbed the towel that I assumed Maura had been using to dry the dishes, just as soon as my mother got done washing them.

"Hey Ma." I said, while starting to dry.

"Jane, what are you doing here so late?"

"It's not late, Ma. I wanted to come see you," I said defensively.

Maura made her way back in the kitchen, and leaned against the counter. _I'm pretty sure she's pissed._

"Is something wrong? Is it guy problems?"

"Gross, Ma. Really? Do you really think I would come to you for that?"

"A mother can hope," she said wishfully.

"Why don't you ever get into Frankie's love life? I'm sure you might make some progress in that direction."

I looked back over at Maura; she was smiling, so maybe she wasn't as mad as I thought. I smiled back. It wasn't the only thing I wanted to do, but it's all I could do at the moment. In this exchange, my mother was still going on about guys, but I was ignoring her, something I learned to do in my teen years. Before I knew, it she was silent again and I continued to dry. _The silence was calming._

I wanted to stay longer, but once the dishes were done my mother was leading me out the back door, she said something about Dr. Isles needing her rest, and then I was back in my car on my way back to my apartment. I was back on my couch when my phone buzzed.  
_1 new message._ I opened it, and it was a text from Maura.

_Thanks for coming by, I was starting to miss you.__I love you._ The grin returned, and I replied.

_I love you too. Sleep well, beautiful._

I went to sleep that night curled up next to Maura's pillow. I was feeling somewhat better about this whole situation. The next day, work was hectic. All I wanted was just one moment alone with Maura, but that didn't work out. Each time I thought it was going to work out, something came along to mess it up, and it was frustrating. Finally at the end of the work day, I was able to get down to the morgue. Maura was in her office. I watched her for a minute. She was sitting at her desk with her lab top open. I stood in the doorway for a moment, just looking at her.

"You buying new shoes?" I asked to get her attention.

She looked up from the screen with a smile on her face. "As a matter of fact I am."

I walked in and shut the door. I didn't bother asking her what kind, or what they look like. Shoes are really not my thing, Maura looks wonderful in them, but I didn't want to hear about it. I sat at the edge of her desk where I was facing her. "What's wrong Jane?" I gave her a smile. _She always knows when something's wrong._

"How long are we going to do this Maura? Isn't keeping this secret killing you? You can't keep secrets."

"Jane, a secret will not kill you."

I cut her off when I leaned down and kissed her. "I know." I said when I pulled back. "You can't lie, so how is this not bothering you?"

"I'm not lying, Jane, no one has asked me if I'm married, _so technically_ we are _not_ lying."

I closed my eyes. "You are so frustrating at times," I whispered. I open them again to see Maura staring at me.

"I do need to talk to you Jane, about some stuff."

"What is it?"

"I was hoping I could come by your house tonight, and talk to you there."

I smile. "Of course, you can, Maura." I go to take her hand, but she pulls back, and then I hear Korsak's voice. _Great… The old man interrupted our conversation._

"There you are, Jane." Korsak said while walking in, not bothering to knock.

"What is it?" I said through gritted teeth, which only reminded me of the time Maura was looking at my toe, and Ian. _That was not the thought I wanted._

"Frost and I wanted to see if you wanted to go to the Robber with us tonight?"

"No thanks Korsak, I'm really not in the mood." I said without giving it any thought.

"What about you, Doc?"

"No thanks Vince, but thank you for the offer."

Korsak turned to leave, and then turned back around. "Are you two, ok?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?" I answered, so Maura didn't have to lie. Korsak shrugged his shoulders then walked out the door. I waited until he was in the elevator, and then asked Maura what time. When I left that night to go home I was nervous, I had no idea what Maura wanted to talk about; maybe she was ready to tell everyone. When I got home, I started to clean. Before I never cared what Maura thought of my apartment, but if we were ever going to live together I wanted her to know that I could keep it clean. I had enough time to finish cleaning, take a shower, and put something besides work clothes on before Maura was knocking on the door. I opened the door with that stupid grin on my face again. "You don't have to knock."

"I didn't want to just walk in. What if you had company?"

"Maura you're my wife, you should never have to knock on my door." Maura walked in, I shut the door. She didn't take her coat off like she normally would. I walked to her, and put my arms around her, and just held her close for a few minutes. She tensed up at my touch, so I pulled away. I looked at her, just really looked at her. Something was wrong I could tell by the look on her face. "What's wrong?" Maura walked away from me, she had her back to me when she started to talk.

"This isn't as easy as I thought it would be."

"Of course it's not Maura, but we are doing the best we can with what we have."

"I don't think I can do it much longer." I walked to her, and turned her around so I could look at her again.


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing.**

"Maybe it's time we came out," I said.

"We can't do that Jane."

"Why the hell not?"

"My parents. And what about your family?"

"If I'm happy, then they don't have much to say, and I'm happy Maura."

"Are you truly happy Jane? Today, you said it was killing you to keep this secret."

"I never said it was killing me, I asked if it was killing you. Two different things, Maura, but yes it is killing me, I want the whole world to know that I am married to you. I hate seeing guys look at you like they want to take you home; I want to say, 'Hey, buddy, she's mine. Look somewhere else, whyduncha?', but I can't and that's fine."

"Is it really fine, Jane?"

"Yea, it is because at the end of the day, you're still mine." I didn't wait for her to answer. I just leaned down and kissed her. We didn't do much more talking about anything for the rest of the night. The next morning, Maura was gone before I woke up. She left a note on my nightstand saying the conversation was not done. After I read the note, I laid on my bed for several minutes missing the feeling of Maura lying next to me. I then got myself up, and prepared myself for the day, and the rest of the conversation, but nothing I did would prepare me for what Maura had to say. Maura didn't come up to the bullpen all day, that's when I knew something was up. Right before, I started to leave I got a text from Maura, telling me to come to her house at seven. I replied and then I left. My stomach was in knots by the time I knocked on Maura's front door. She answered like she would any other night. I went in and sat on her couch. She brought me a beer and I took it with a smile. She sat on the other side of the couch. _Weird._ I waited for her to start to speak.

"Jane, we can't do this." My heart felt like it bottomed out when she said that.

"Why?" I wanted to yell, but it came out as a whisper.

"I can't keep going with the secrets, hiding it the way we are, only being able to have a few minutes alone on the days we are not at each other's places."

"So you just want to give up?"

"Yes, Jane, that's what I'm saying." I put my beer down on the coffee table, and turned to face her.

"How can you expect me to just give up Maura? I came into this relationship because you wanted to give it a try, and I fell in love with you, and I put up with this secret thing because you wanted it. I still don't understand Maura; if it's that hard for you then we will just tell everyone." I got up to move to the back door, to go to the guest house. Maura cut me off at the backdoor.

"Jane, no. You can't just tell everyone."

"The hell I can't! I can't, I won't lose you Maura."

"You're not going to lose me, Jane, I'll still be here, but like I was your best friend."

"Do you honestly think we can go back to that?" I waited for Maura to reply, but she didn't, so I did for her. "I can't Maura, not when I know what it feels like to be in love with you."

"Jane." That's all she said, and I knew she honestly wanted to call this off.

"Tell me why Maura? Why do you not want anyone to know? I deserve to know," I yelled. "I'M YOUR WIFE! TELL ME WHY!" She still didn't say anything. "Do you not want your high-class family to know you married to a low-class detective? Are you embarrassed that the rich, educated Maura Isles married poor, uncultured Jane Rizzoli?" My voice was getting louder, I couldn't hold in my anger anymore.

"No Jane, it's not that."

"Then what is it? Because I sure as hell would like to know!""

"It is about you, but it's not that you are low-class. It's never been about that." I rolled my eyes.

"That still doesn't tell me anything."

"My parents Jane, they will never understand our relationship, they can and will make your life a living hell. I know them."

"I'm sure you do, Maura, but I can handle it, because I will do anything to be with you, I love you."

"I know Jane, but I don't want you to go through that because of me, that would hurt me more than not being with you." I was quiet after that; I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to make this work, with everything I had.

"What does any of this have to do with my family?"

"If your family knew, it was just a matter of time before my family found out."

"I can't just walk out of your life Maura."

"I'm not asking you to walk out Jane."

"That's what's going to happen Maura, if I walk out this door, without fixing this I don't even know if I can continue to be your friend Maura."

"Please don't say that Jane." Maura said with tears in her eyes. "Do you want me as a wife Maura?"

"You know I do Jane, but-" I cut her off.

"Yeah there's always a 'but' Maura." I walked to the front door, Maura was right behind me.

"Jane, please wait." Maura said with tears willingly running down her cheeks. "Why? So you can tell me how low class I am."

"Jane, it's not like that, just please." I turned to look at her.

"I love you Maura, when you figure out what you want, come back to me until then you made your choice, now live with it." With that I turned the knob and walked out of Maura's house. I made it back to my apartment parking lot in no time. During the drive the only thing I had to think about was my anger, now as I'm sitting here the anger gone my heart is ripping in half, and I let myself cry over Maura.

_Maura's POV_

When Jane walked out my door, I knew I had made a mistake, one that I wouldn't be able to fix, because Jane wouldn't listen to me. I know what she will do; she'll avoid me at all cost. I have my reasons for doing this, but Jane doesn't understand, I knew she wouldn't, and I thought we could make this work. This secret is killing me, like Jane said. I want so much to be open to everyone about our relationship, but I just can't. I'm so worried what my parents will do if they found out. Not long after Jane left, Angela came through the back door. When I saw her the pain came back again. _She's like a mother to me, what if turning my back on Jane, I not only lose Jane, but I lose Angela, too._ It takes Angela a few minutes to notice that I was sitting in the floor by the door, where I ended up when Jane walked out. Angela walked to me a leaned down at my level, she didn't say anything just helped me up, and onto the couch. "What's wrong honey?" she says as she gets me on the couch, I wanted to tell her everything that happened, but I didn't.

"Jane." Angela walked to the kitchen, then came back with a wash rag, and a glass of water. She sat down next to me, and started to wipe my face, but no amount of washing would wash the hurt away. She handed me the glass of water, and then said.

"What did Jane do?"

"It wasn't Jane, it was me, I messed this up." Then I started crying all over again. Angela didn't say anything else just held me while I cried. She was doing the only thing she could. _She was being my mother, when my own mother wasn't her to do it for me.__  
_  
_Angela's POV_

Maura finally cried herself to sleep, so I left her on the couch, and walked out the way I came. I grabbed my keys from the guest house, and got into my car. The whole way to Jane's apartment I was planning what I was going to say to her. _I loved my daughter more than anything in this world, but it pissed me off that she could hurt Maura that way, I see Maura as my own daughter, just like I do Jane. I don't care who it is if you hurt one of my children, I'll hurt you._ This time it so happened to be my own daughter I was after. I knocked on her door, and waited until she answered, after a few minutes I got my key out, and let myself in. Jane was sitting on her couch she had a beer in one hand, and the remote to the TV in the other. "Ma, what the hell? I gave that key to you for emergencies. If someone's not dying, I want you to leave." Now she just really pissed me off.

"No one's dying Jane, but Maura is really hurting." Jane got up from the couch, and made her way to the kitchen, I followed. I watched her get another beer out of the fridge. "Say something Jane."

"There's nothing _to_ say Ma." Jane said as she turned back around to look at me.

"So you don't even care that you hurt your best friend?"

"Is that what she said? That _I_ hurt her. _Me?_" She started to laugh. She was drunk.

"You think this is funny?"

"Yes I do, you know why? Because she brought this on herself. Did she go running to you blaming all this on me?"

"No Jane. She didn't even have to come to me, I came into her house and found her in the floor, she was really upset." I saw the hurt run across Jane's face, as quick as I saw it, it was gone.

"You don't know anything, Ma, and if you want to blame anyone go back to Maura, and grip at her. I didn't want this, she wanted it."

"Wanted what?" Jane made her way back to the couch. "Nothing Ma, you wouldn't understand." "Make me understand."

"I can't Ma." That's all she said. I tried to get her to say some more on the subject, but she wouldn't. I finally left. I was no less mad at her then when I got here. I checked in on Maura when I got back. She was still curled up on the couch. I ran my hand across her face, and then went out to the guest house. Sleep didn't come like I wanted it to. I was too worried about Maura, got up and checked on her more time than I can remember. Jane said it wasn't her fault, but I don't believe her. _I want to strangle her sometimes; she can be so rude._I finally feel into a fitful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Jane's POV_

I walked into the department the next morning with a hangover. I usually never did that. I make my way to the elevators and look over at the cafe, only to see my mother with Maura. I looked at them for several seconds. Maura looked horrible, and my mother was consoling her. Maura looked up, and caught my eye. I looked away, and walked the rest of the way to the elevators. Today was not going to be a good day, I could already see that and it went just the way I thought it would. Korsak and Frost were annoying and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. My headache got worse as the day went by. By lunch time, I was going home. My mother caught me before I could get out of the building. "Jane." I heard her say, I ignored her. "Jane." This time louder. I turned around so I could look at her, if I didn't she would just louder. She waved me over; I couldn't just ignore her now that she knew I heard her. I walked into the cafe, and found a seat. She finished with two uniformed cop, and then walked over to me. "Now will you tell me what happened last night?"

"No Ma. Did you talk to Maura?"

"I did, but she wouldn't tell me either."

"Well, then you don't need to know Ma." I started to get up, but my mother put her hand on my shoulder.

"Jane, wait." she took the seat across from me. "I'm here, Jane," she paused, "if you want to talk."

"I know Ma, you're the nosiest person on the planet and you want to know everything you can." "Jane, this is me being your mother."

"Go be a mother to Maura; God knows you would rather be a mother to her." _What I didn't know was that Maura had just walked into the cafe from behind me, and heard everything I said._

"Jane, that's not true."

"Yeah I'm sure it's not." I got up this time, and turned to walk out of the cafe when I ran into Maura.

"Jane." was all she said, I was out of the cafe before she could say anything else. I went home, nothing was going to stop from, leaving that building. If I got a call to go to a crime scene, I would have them call someone else. I didn't drink like I did the night before. I turned on my stereo, and pushed play. The CD Maura had brought over was still in there. I put the CD on repeat and feel asleep.

_Angela's POV_

After Jane left Maura standing there, I grabbed a hold of Maura's hand and sat her down on the seat Jane had just left. "Talk to me Maura."

"It's complicated Angela." I saw the tears return. I hugged her.

"Come on, let's get you home." I told Stan I was leaving, and walked Maura to her car. I left mine there, and drove Maura home. She didn't say a whole lot, but she never did when she was hurting. I got her into her house before she broke down again. I really wanted to go talk to Jane again, but I knew that wouldn't help any. A few hours later Maura finally started to talk.

"This is worse than the time I didn't tell Jane Tommy was going to be arrested." I put my hand on her hand.

"Whatever it is, you guys will get over it. You're guys are best friends and nothing comes between that."

"I don't think it's that simple this time, Angela." I grabbed a tissue, and handed it to her so she could wipe her nose. When she was done she started to speak again. "This time I really hurt her. I never meant to, but it happened, and the worst thing is I will never be able to take it back." She blew her nose again. "I just didn't think it would hurt this much." The tears were falling again. "I feel like my heart is ripping in two and I'm afraid that I will lose you, too. I don't think I could make it through that." I put my arms around her again.

"You'll never lose me Maura. No matter what happens between you and Jane." I leaned back so I could look at her. "I love you Maura, you're like a daughter to me and I will never turn my back on you." she smiled for the first time that day.

"I love you like a mother, too, Angela, you're more of a mother to me than mine."

"Whatever it is between you and Jane, you'll fix it. I know you can."

"I hope so."

_Maura's POV_

_It has been a month, and Jane is still ignoring me. I knew this would happen. There is no way to fix this._ So I did the only thing I knew to do. I got the papers today. All I need to do is sign them. I sit on my couch with the papers in my hand, a wine glass in the other. It hard for me to even look at them, but I read everything I need to. I grab the pen off the coffee table. My hand hovers over the papers for several seconds, and then finally I sign them. For the first time since I changed my name, I use it. My hand starts to shake when I get to Rizzoli. That's my name now has been for a while, and no one even knows. I set the papers on the table, and drink my wine. When this relationship started, I never thought it would end this way, never thought Jane would hate me the way she does. I can see it when we are at a crime scene, she won't even look at me. When she has to talk to me, she calls me Dr. Isles. Korsak and Frost noticed the change. Korsak asked me about it once. I had no answer for him and he didn't press. I tried to talk to Jane again, but every time I tried she walked away. _She is really good at running away._ I sit my wine glass on the table, and lay down on the couch. I haven't slept in my bed since Jane left. _It's too hard. It feels like she's right there next to me even though I know she's not._I fall asleep without even realizing it.

_Angela's POV_

Maura's house is quiet when I walk in, but I didn't expect her to be up yet. Since the fight with Jane, I've been getting up early and cooking Maura breakfast, and then I'm out the door before she wakes up. I go into the living room to check on her, she's been sleeping on the couch. I look at her; she looks like she has lost some weight. I pick her wine glass off the table, and notice some papers lying on next to it. I pick them up to move them. I glance down at them, and they're not what I thought they were. I almost drop the glass in carrying when I see what they are. _Divorce papers._ I knew it the minute I glanced at them, because I had just seen papers exactly like this. I out the glass down, and started to read what it said. My breath is caught when I see Jane's name on them, and Maura's signature. _It's Maura Rizzoli._ I put the papers back where I found them, and walked back out the back door. _Neither one of them thought to tell me they were married._ I was mad, beyond mad, I was pissed off. _I'm her mother, and she doesn't tell me anything. And Maura, she could have told me. That's why Maura's so upset, she's not losing her best friend, she's losing her wife. And on top of that, I haven't been the mother Jane needs right now. It must be so hard for her, but I've been too angry to see it._ Now I feel bad. I kick myself for a good hour when Maura knocks on the door. I answer with a smile on my face, I can't be mad at her, when I know what she's going through right now. I let her in, she's holding an envelope. I know what's in that envelope, but I don't say anything. "Sorry to bother you so early, but I was hoping you could do something for me."

"You're no bother Maura. What do you need, sweetie?" She held up the envelope.

"Could you give this to Jane for me?"

"Of course." I say while taking it out of her hand.

"Thanks Angela." and then she's out the door again.

_Jane's POV_

I've been ignoring Maura, because I don't know what to say. I wish so bad that we could go back to being friends, but I can't do that. I've tried to see her as just a friend, but each time I see her as my wife, and lover. That's why I've been ignoring her. Today at work like every other day was hard, hard for me not to just grab her and hold her, tell her I love her. I will never again get close to someone I work with again. My thoughts are interrupted with someone knocking on the door. For just a second I thought it might be Maura, but I pushed that thought away. I got up and opened the door. The one person I didn't want it to be. "Hi Ma." I say when she walks in. "To what do I own the pleasure?" She holds out an envelope, I take it from her, there's no name on it, and my mother didn't tell me where she got it, so I open it. I start to read what it says and my heart sinks. _Maura wants a divorce._ I look up at my mother; she doesn't say anything, so I don't know if she knows what she has just given me. I don't figure she does, because Maura would never tell her. I put the papers back in the envelope. My phone up off the table, and walk into the kitchen hoping to get a minute alone, but it doesn't work my mother's right behind me. I hit the speed dial to Maura's number bring it to my ear, and listen to it ring. I thought she wasn't going to answer after the third ring, and then I hear her sweet voice.

_"Dr. Isles."_

"What the hell is this?"

"What is what Jane? I don't know if I'm not with you." I look over at my mother again, she's acting like she not paying attention, but she is.

"You know damn well what I am talking about. The papers! The ones my mother just brought me."

"What do you expect me to do Jane? I can't keep doing this. Maybe if you're free to do what you want you won't hate me as much," she says calmly.

"Maura, I don't hate you. Where did you get that from?"

"Your actions Jane, they speak a lot louder than your words." And then she hung up. I looked at my phone to make sure I didn't lose service, and then I called her back, this time I got no answer. _Ok. If this is what she wants I'll give it to her._ I found a pen, and pulled the papers out again, just as I was about to sign them, my mother spoke.

"Jane wait."

"What do you mean wait? You don't even know what I'm doing."

"I do Jane, I know exactly what you are doing, and you shouldn't. Not yet, not when you can still work this out."

"Ma, you don't even know what this is about."

"Because no one will tell me, I want to help Jane, but I can only do it if you tell me what is going on." I took a deep breath.

"Fine Ma, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone not even Maura." So, I told her everything to the wedding, up to the night I left Maura's house. My mother listened to everything I had to say with no interruption. When I was done I waited for her input, she said the one thing I didn't think she would.

"Go tell her parents."

"What? No, then Maura would hate me."

"Jane, I have been in contact with Maura's mother since she came to dinner that night. She thinks you're good for her."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I know how you are, you would have walked away the minute I stated talking about you." I got up from my chair and started getting my shoes on. "Where are you going?"

"To talk to Maura's parents."


End file.
